Saturday, February 20, 2016

IMHO

The way I see it, there are a couple ways of dealing with cancer. I can let it have the power, consume me, wallow in it, embrace its misery or just be me. I consider myself a realist with a fairly positive point of view. I saw a side of the cancer me on Thursday, briefly. It was not pretty. I awoke at 4:30am, drove across the bridge for an appointment with my oncologist. It was basically to inform me of the dirty facts on the chemotherapy and HER+ drugs on my list. My friend Becky accompanied me. She was a great diversion (We are good support partners as we both experienced a summer from hell together) I started all the pre-op stuff, blood work, X-ray, EKG. All went accordingly, no drastic news, nothing to "turn" me. At some point during the day, I became angry. Everything, everyone.
I started to ease up as we drove to Easton, knowing I was going to see and hear Anders Osborne. Amy Helm and The Handsome Strangers opened up and what a delight they were! More ease. Anders came on and stared rocking the house right away. People were up and dancing and pretty soon making their way into our space. That anger started coming back.  I couldn't see or hear anything but my own frustration and anger. It was aimed at the concert goers but I know that was not the true source. At one point the energy on stage and off was so in sync, it was almost like it was a heart beating or one breath. In that instance I knew I had to let it go...and miraculously, I did. The show ended, everyone was up clapping, hollering for an encore. When Anders came out he asked if there was a Dana Miller in the audience, addressed me and dedicated the last song to me. I am still in awe. He took the time to read an email from my youngest who just asked him to watch out for me, that I had a long, probably rough day of appointments and could use a hug. That act of tenderness and thoughtfulness made me feel the love coming from so many sources. So Anders, while I said I might have a hat for your next time in town (and I still might) I am going to concentrate for a while on passing that love forward. I will make hats to take with me to my chemotherapy treatments and give them away. I will let the recipients know that healing thoughts and love went into each stitch. This will be my healing also and will ward off the anger.  I truly am the lucky one, My Handsome Prince by my side, my daughters and their men, my family, my friends and some random people in there including an artist from New Orleans are all on my side. Yes, I am the lucky one.

This is the song:

a serious car wreck
a bad fall from a cliff
and the raging blue river once took me from a raft in breckenridge
i've been held up in new orleans
and strung out in stockholm
and i've slept on those cold cold streets of new york city alone
I can't explain why I'm still here today
I'm just thankful that i am
Yeah I have survived more than I should
pushed it as far as i could, reachin for the skies
and I walked on the edge more than most
heaven knows i have cut it close
But I'm alive... after all that i have done
It's you... that makes me the lucky one
Yeah my heart has been broken
by love and by death
and i've been down on my bad knees prayin to Jesus with a devils breath
and i lost all my money, 
you know, faith, and beliefs
but somehow the world around me showed nothing but sympathy
and everyday that i wake up to see the sun
and i thank God, you still think that i'm the one
pushed it as far as i could, reachin for the skies
and i have walked on the edge more than most
heaven knows i've cut it close
But I'm alive.... after all that i have done
It's you.... that makes me the lucky one
It's you.... that makes me the lucky one